Her Agony
by XxSingingAgonyxX
Summary: Amu lived in a life full of pain and sorrow. With no love. No, not anymore. The past was what hurt her the most, yet she didn't want to let go. But one day, she meets a boy by the name of Ikuto Tsukiyomi and he changes her life...at least for now, maybe for a while, or even forever. -ON HOLD-
1. He Betrayed Me

**Her Agony**

**Amu lived in a life full of pain and sorrow. With no love. No, not anymore. The past was what hurt her the most, yet she didn't want to let go. But one day, she meets a boy by the name of Ikuto Tsukiyomi and he changes her life, forever.**

_****Sylvir: I'm just editing and reposting it in case if you didn't notice. I changed the summary too. But I'm not posting a new chapter anytime soon. Sorry guys. ):**_

_Disclaimer- I do not own Shugo Chara or Going Under by Evanescence_

**If you're going to tell me it's too cliché and that it's whatever or something then **_**don't**_** bother reading it. I **_**know**_** that it might seem too cliché or something. But whatever, on with the story.**

**He Betrayed Me**

Everyone thinks I am a rich and snobby girl who's life is the closest thing there is to perfection. I mean, yeah I live in a big house, wear expensive clothes, and my parents buy me anything I could possibly ask for. But everything has a price, right? Except, I don't pay with money. I pay a different way; with my happiness.

They say that you can buy anything with money. Wrong. In my world, you can't. It's that simple, you can't. _I_ can't.

I _hate_ it.

_**Now I will tell you what I've done for you  
Fifty thousand tears I've cried  
Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you  
And you still won't hear me, going under**_

It all started in sixth grade. My parents had gotten a divorce years ago, around when I was one year old. I remember it clearly, even now. All my memories seem to be about the bad things or humiliating things that happen. Everytime I close my eyes, the past come flooding back to me. Sometimes it overwhelms me, which is not good for an emotional girl like me.

I am _very_, very emotional and I break down really easily.

When I'm upset, I cannot control my actions. It happened once. I got so sad after my father left that, I had attempted suicide.

I don't know who I inherited that from. I don't want to know either because I don't _care_ anymore.

_**Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself  
Maybe I'll wake up for once  
Not tormented daily, defeated by you  
Just when I thought, I reached the bottom  
**_

My life is so…screwed up.

Sorry, I got off topic here. Sixth grade, was when my mother got married. And to who? To this mean man who hates the guts outta me! His name is Tadase Hotori. But in my head, I call him _Fagagay_ or _Tadagay_. **(I do not own)** I think it suits him better. What about you?

_**I'm dying again, I'm going under  
Drowning in you, I'm falling forever  
I've got to break through, I'm going under  
**_

My name is Amu Hinamori. As you can probably guess, Hinamori was my father's name. Nobody in school bothered calling me Hotori so I didn't ask them to change it. I sound better off as Hinamori Amu then as Hotori Amu.

My sister, or adopted sister, Ami is okay. She isn't mean or rude to me. She understands that I don't want to be "related" to her and that I don't exactly hate her either. We leave each other alone and so our own things. Once in a while, we'll say "hi" or have small talk. That's about it. I almost forgot, she's twelve and she was adopted from an orphanage so she's not related to anyone in this family.

_**Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies**_  
_**So I don't know what's real and what's not**_  
_**So I don't know what's real and what's not**_  
_**Always confusing the thoughts in my head**_

I tend to avoid everyone in school and keep to myself. I learned that you can't trust anyone but yourself because those close to you always ends up hurting you.

Betraying you.

Leaving you.

That's exactly what my father did. He betrayed me. He left me, and killed the side of me that was happy and carefree, nice and caring.

Now I am constantly using my façade everywhere I go. No matter where I am. No matter who I'm with.

I can't trust anyone anymore. Not my teachers. Not Ami. Not anyone. Sometimes…not even myself.

_**So I can't trust myself anymore  
I'm dying again, I'm going under  
Drowning in you, I'm falling forever  
I've got to break through, I'm  
**_

I have lied so much that now, I can't even tell the difference between reality and fantasy. I can't tell the difference between the truth and the lies. I don't know _who_ to trust anymore. I wish I do.

I have thought of opening up a bit to these group of girls at school, who were always nice to me even though I always ignore them and their kindness. I thought of opening up a bit to Ami too, and try to be friends with her. The problem is…

I'm a _coward_.

I don't want to risk getting hurt again. There's already so much pain in my life. I'm afraid that history will repeat itself.

_**So go on and scream  
Scream at me, I'm so far away  
I won't be broken again  
I've got to breathe, I can't keep going under**_

I feel that my life is already confusing as it is, losing my dad and my mom turning cold all of a sudden.

But then my step-father shows up asking my mother's hand for marriage. I'm disgusted.

_**I'm dying again, I'm going under  
Drowning in you, I'm falling forever  
I've got to break through, I'm going under  
Going under, I'm going under**_

I wish my dad never left. After all these years, I've been given to cope about it and still…I can't…I can't get over it.

I mean he just filled out some divorce papers and then

…walked

…out

…the

…door

That easy. He didn't even want to fight to have me under his custody.

Oh great Fagagay is calling me for dinner. There's a couple more things you need to know.

You were the farewell gift from dad

I named you Journal

I'm sixteen, going to be a sophomore next year

I am a student at Seiyo High.

I promise I'll keep you safe. I'll protect you.

I feel so silly talking to you, Journal. I mean you _are _just an imaginary "friend" that I created to help me cope with my pain. You're just an illusion I've made to help comfort myself.

I know this is random but, I was listening to _Going Under_ by _Evanescence_ earlier. Do you think that should be my theme song?

I really gotta go now.

Bye.

-Amu

**So what do you think? Sorry it's short. I typed it up yesterday then forgot to save it! I know, smart right?**

**The bold itallics are the lyrics to the song. But I didn't skip any. **

**See an grammar mistakes? Tell me.**

**Review if you want me to continue please! Thanks! **


	2. Sophomore

**Her Agony**

**O..o It's been like months since I first uploaded this story…I bet some of you probably already thought I lost interest or gave up on it. Haha. I wouldn't blame you. But no worries, really. I just happen to be one of those author's who suck at updating. And well because of other problems, but those just seem like mere excuses so I'm not going to bother explaining.**

**Sophomore **

"Have fun, hu-" Before he could say 'honey', Amu slammed the door of her step-father's brand new BMW and swung her backpack over one shoulder. Silently, she walked through the gates of Seiyo High and disappeared behind a large group of students that were chattering about.

Feeling grouchy and tired as usual, Amu slowly trudged to her "comfort zone." But just as she was walking around the corner of the building, almost to her favorite spot in school, a young freshman crashed into her. The collision sent both girls falling backward on their backs. The younger teenager, the one with orange pigtails, got up first.

"IM SO SORRY! ARE YOU OKAY?" She shouted, rushing over to Amu once she saw the blood on the other girl's hand. "OH MY GAWSH! YOUR BLEEDING! YIKES! LEMME HELP YOU WITH THIS!" Her loud voice made students stop what they were doing and turn to the scene. A few even came over.

Amu pushed her hand aside just as the other girl was about to help her up. Then she got up and smoothed out her uniform. The pinkette walked away ignoring the dramatic girl completely.

"Hey, hey! You!" she yelled, running to Amu. "I said I was sorry! Are you still mad?"

Again, Amu ignored her and instead concentrated on getting away without bumping into anyone else.

"Forget it Yaya." The girl named Yaya turned around.

"Why isn't that girl answering me, Rima?" she whined. "Did Yaya do something wrong? I said sorry!" Rima gave out a sigh and rolled her eyes at her friend Yaya.

"She's Amu Hinamori. She doesn't like anyone, nor talk to anyone except when the teachers call on her. She's Cool N' Spicy." she explained. "I forgot to mention that earlier."

"That's so like you."

"Oh, shut up Hoshina" Rima muttered and turned around to find Utau Hoshina standing there with her arms crossed. They both glared at each other and scowled. People started to form a circle around the two girls, waiting to see if they were going to start a fight. Amu took that as a chance to escape and quietly slipped away from the mob. She looked around to find some students lined up in their lines and others in small groups.

They were all chatting about how they couldn't wait to start the new school year or how they missed each other over the summer. As she approached a group of girls, their voices dropped to hushed whispers. They glanced quickly at Amu, hoping she wouldn't hear them.

"That's who you're talking about? That gothish girl who just walked by?" someone whispered.

"Yeah, that's Hinamori Amu." another replied. "She's the one you should avoid. She doesn't really speak to anyone or bully anyone but she gives off this…this dark aura, y'know?"

"She glares at everyone who bothers or tries to make friends with her." a third girl added. "It's like she hates everyone."

"Then why doesn't she get tutored instead?" The first girl asked. "I mean what's the point? If she is rich and everything."

"I don't know," The third girl answered. "Probably cuz her parents force her or something. Poor thing…" Amu, though surprised by the remark managed to keep her face blank hiding what emotions she had.

At Seiyo, students always talked about Amu behind her back. _Always._ Even the teachers did.

They gossip mostly about who's dating who and things like that, but Amu was what most talked about. Every new student who entered the school would know about her in the matter of minutes. That was why it surprised Amu.

Nobody had ever said anything like that before. The majority (80 percent) of the students and teachers there would call her 'Cool N' Spicy' but leave her alone. Some (18 percent) of the students don't treat her nicely, but still, no one ever sympathized her. Amu was very popular at Seiyo High, so popular that she had her own fanclub. They thought of her as an idol and worshipped her like she was a goddess. But…Amu thought of them as annoying brats who always get in her way. (Which is pretty much true.)

Amu squatted down and stared at the cement ground wondering when the bell was going to ring. She pulled out her cellphone and saw that it was 2 minutes before the bell.

I guess I should find my line now, she thought and slid her phone back into her pocket. To Amu, her cellphone was really of no use. She didn't have any friends. She didn't need it for an agenda or an alarm clock. And she barely used it to text anyone either. Amu really had no idea why she even bothered getting one.

She walked around searching for her line and stopped when she found it. This year, she had Nikaidou for her homeroom teacher. He was so well known that even the anti-social people like Amu knew about him.

_BRRIIIINNNGGG! _The loud ringing of the bell caused Amu to jump at the noise. She blinked and quickly took notice in the fact that the person at the head of the line was starting to move towards the door. The students around her were all excited and nervous with anticipation. Amu…well, she stuck out like a sore thumb. There seemed to be a space between her and the other students in the line. A dark aura hung around her and created a wall between her and other classmates. She frowned upon remembering that today was the start of a new school year.

**..x.**

"Good morning class!" Nikaidou said cheerfully while smiling at his students. His eyes sweeped across the room, stopping at Amu for a split second before looking away.

"Good morning, Nikaidou-sensei!" The class chorused back.

"I know that you guys don't like arranged seatings…BUT," he paused. "we're going to have them anyways" he finished. A few "awwws" came from the girls (except Amu) so Nikaidou waited for them to stop before continuing. "Everybody please line up along the wall over there by the white board."

The class although not happy about it, reluctantly lined up by the wall.

"I know that you guys are very excited, but we will do one little thing before I assign you seats. We're going to introduce ourselves…starting with you right here." He said, patting the girl with russet curls who was standing at the front of the line.

"You don't need to make it too l-" She cut him off rudely and began introducing herself.

"Hello, my name is Saaya Samabuki," she said, while batting her lashes. Amu rolled her eyes, knowing very well the beginning speech of a snobby, girly-girl. She shook her head, mentally kicking herself for deciding to arrive at school on time. This was going to be a _long_ day.

Amu stood leaning against the whiteboard while staring grumpily at the floor and when it was her turn, she only said one word and that was, "Amu."

Nikaidou stared at her and Amu naturally glared back. He heaved out a big sigh and moved on to the next person. After they finished the introductions, he started the real math class.

**..Agony.x.**

_BBBBRRRIIINNNGGGG!_ Amu got out of the room the second the lunch bell rang and went to her locker to put away her textbooks. Then she headed off to the lunchroom with a group of fangirls/fanboys trailing a few feet behind her.

"Kya! Amu-sama is extra cool today!"

"Shh! Shut up, Chiyo!"

"Sorry, Haru!"

Amu turned around and glared, then continued walking.

"KYYYYAAAAAAA! Sorry, Amu-sama! We're sorry!" they bowed. She ignored them and resumed walking until she reached the cafeteria. The very loud lunch room immediately grew quiet as Amu stepped inside. They watched her move to a half empty table and sit on the other side. Almost immediately, the whole place was loud again. Students popped out of no where and crowded around Amu.

"Amu-sama, will you accept these chocolates?"

"Ammmmmmuuuu! Do you-"

"Please! Please sit with-"

"Amu-sammmaaaa! Come join us over th-" Before Amu could do anything, the girl named Yaya from before grabbed her hand and pulled her over to her table. The fangirls/fanboys just gaped in awe at the brave girl who just dragged their goddess away and did nothing to stop her. They stood frozen to the ground with their jaws on the floor.

"C'mon, Amu-chi! Sit with us!" she smiled, lighting up the whole cafeteria.

"I think you scared her, Yaya." Rima snorted. "Look at her."

Yaya turned to look at Amu, who looked up with an expressionless face.

"Ahh!" Yaya seized Rima's arm. "Amu-chi is being scary!" Rima rolled her eyes, how many times had she told her not to bother that girl? Probably so much that she lost count.

Amu lowered her face and stared blankly at her lunch. By now, the other students had gotten back on track and luckily for Amu, none of them were paying any real close attention to Yaya's table.

"Hinamori-san, would you like me to escort you to your next class?" A boy named Kairi asked her and like usual, she ignored him and left.

"AMU-CHI!" Yaya called. "Come backkk and eat lunch with us!"

Rima and the others stared at her.

"What?" she asked.

"Can't you see that she doesn't wanna be bothered? And besides, she already left."

"Oh…yeah. Right…"

**..Agony.x.**

The walk back to Amu's house was quiet. The only sound was the crunching of leaves under her feet. She replayed the events in her head. To Amu, today was a very tiring day. This year, there were more fanboys and fangirls than usual and they wouldn't leave her alone. Everywhere she went they would follow. It was a surprise that nobody stalked her home. Amu grimaced as she arrived at her house and unlatched the gate.

Amu rummaged through her backpack for her set of keys and opened the door to her so called, "home."

**Sorry for the really suckish chapter! It was of no immportance really, its just a filler, I guess. **

**Please review!~ **


	3. The Offer

**Her Agony**

**Amu lived in a life full of pain and sorrow. With no love. No, not anymore. The past was what hurt her the most, yet she didn't want to let go. But one day, she meets a boy by the name of Ikuto Tsukiyomi, and he changes her life, forever.**

_June 17, 2012: Updated Edited Version _

**It's been such a long time since I'd been typing fanfiction. I still read fanfiction a lot, and I think about what to write for these stories so much it confuses my brain, but it always ends up blank. So I thank everyone who reviewed, favorited, alerted, and read this story. And I respect your patience for waiting for this chapter. Thank you! **

_Reviewers from chapters 1 & 2:_  
_bma925_  
_Megan May_  
_Anti-Social Society_  
_linblueneko_  
_StrawberryMii-Chan_  
_My Name is Riley_  
_pinkkittyninja_  
_(theres a blank because there was an anonymous reviewer with no name)_  
_ameenah_  
_DarkChoclat_  
_Crimson-Midnight-Moon_  
_mountaingirl47_  
_Random_  
_Piggy7869_  
_ChisaMaxx _  
_Smile and Jewel_

**My apologies if I spelled a few of these pen names wrong or capitalized when I shouldn't have!**

**Thank you everybody! And for readers who liked the story but didn't review- I understand that sometimes it's annoying to click the review button, or that you have reasons to not be able to review, but if you can, please do leave a comment! Because that way, I would know that you liked the story and I would have the motivation to continue this story. ~_~**

**Oh, and sorry for not spacing the lines that much, I understand very well how difficult it can be to read it without much spacing. But I think it's bearable. **  
**So here's your chapter! Enjoy!~**

_Disclaimer- I do not own Shugo Chara or any of the characters. All credit belongs to the rightful owners._

_**Recap**_

_The walk back to Amu's house was quiet. The only sound was the crunching of leaves under her feet. She replayed the events in her head. To Amu, today was a very tiring day. This year, there were more fanboys and fangirls than usual and they wouldn't leave her alone. Amu grimaced as she arrived at her house and unlatched the gate._

_Amu rummaged through her backpack for her set of keys and opened the door to her so called, "home."_

**The Offer**

"I'm home." Amu muttered, heading into the kitchen to grab a can of Sprite to drink, before going up to do her homework.

"Oh? Really...I might consider that offer..." Tadase's voice trailed off as he saw his beloved daughter enter the kitchen. "Hold on," he said to the person on the other end who was still speaking, and put his cellphone down, then looked at Amu. He held her gaze for a moment before she turned her head away.

His eyes stayed focused on where Amu had been, thinking about something, while his other hand reached for the cellphone on the counter. "I'm sorry. Can we talk about this rather another time? I need time to think."

"...Yes, that would be fine. Thank you for your offer." After ending the phone call, he turned to Amu, who was quickly gulping down the rest of her soda, trying to look as if she weren't eavesdropping.

"So..." he started, trying to break the awkward tension in the air. Amu didn't answer, so he cleared his throat, and said it again. This time he dragged out the word longer to create more emphasis. "_Soooo..."_

When his daughter still did not answer, he said it yet again. But, he made it even more obvious what he wanted her to say—even though, dragging out the word, 'so' would be enough for a normal person to catch this hint. But Amu chose to ignore it, seeing how she despised this man so much. If she wrote a list of people she hated the most, Tadase Hotori would be among the top.

The name she calls him in her head and in her journal—Tadagay—is already self-explanatory toward what she thought of him.

"So..." he said, again for the third time. "How was school?"

The pinkette glared at him and didn't answer.

Maybe, she wanted him to get frustrated and angry at her.

Or maybe she didn't, but either way, his patience finally rubbed off. "I asked you, 'How was school?' Clearly, you should have answered with at least, 'I am fine, thank you for asking.' or if more casual, 'It's okay." You should have at least answered with something like that. Amu dear, what happened to your manners? Do you know how much a disgrace it is for us? To have a child like you! No, almost a woman now. You should know more! In business, you do not _glare_, nor do you stay silent. Do you understand? How many times do I have to tell you this! Your mother and I, especially your mother—we do not accept this attitude of yours! If she were home..."

_Why do I care? It's not like you are my father! It's not like you guys have manners! It's not like you and that mother of mine love me! Do you even care? Heh, I bet all you care is your stupid money! Your stupid corporation, isn't it? _

_There is no such thing as LOVE. You pathetic people are just like _Ebenezer Scrooge_, 'cept he is better than you! Have you ever taken a thought about my feelings? Huh? Have you ever wondered what is it like for me?_

_It's always, 'Straighten your back!' _

_'Why didn't you get 100% on this test? Be more careful next time! If you keep getting 90's and 95's, how will you improve? How will you get into the University of Tokyo, let alone be a doctor! I expect you will meet my expectations next time.'_

_'Look at your friend, Heather, in America! She has gotten into MIT with a FULL scholarship! What do you think we expect from you?'_  
_That's mother's dream! To be a doctor! NOT MINE. _

_You always hurt me, and yet you cease to know my depression exists! What have I done wrong? Do you simply just hate me so? I hate you! I hate you and mother! You buy me everything! And you spoil me, but I need love. I need it! But still, you ignore my silent pleas, and take my dreams away. _

_Do you know? I CRY. I CRY BECAUSE OF YOUR VERY EXISTENCE! I CRY BECAUSE YOU MAKE ME FEEL GUILT OF SOMETHING ENTIRELY NOT MY FAULT! YOU MAKE ME FEEL PAIN, WHEN IT SHOULD BE HAPPINESS. YOU MAKE ME HATE MYSELF! DO YOU KNOW? DO YOU? YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY! YOU MAKE ME FEEL HATRED TOWARDS EVERYONE. YOU TOOK AWAY WHAT I LOVED MOST, AND WORSE, MAKE ME HATE IT! _  
_This life! I feel it isn't worth living for! I feel my heart break when I see people that are happy. And I hate myself! I hate myself for hating them, because I shouldn't hate them! Yet, because of YOU AND HER. I DO._

_All you're capable of doing is criticizing me! _

Amu wanted to scream all of what was in her mind. She wanted to grab something and smash it against the wall. She wanted to take deep breaths, because suddenly, she couldn't breathe. But instead, Amu answered in a voice so calm, it didn't seem forced at all. "I know father, please excuse my behavior. My day has been fine at school, thank you for being concerned."

Then, without another word, she silently tossed away the empty can of Sprite, and mentally stomped up the stairs. Running through her mind were all the cuss words used to describe her mother and father.

_Journal, _

_Stupidstupidstupid. This is stupid. _

_That stupid man always tries to be so nice to me. But I know he really does hate me. And so does mother._

_I hate how all they do is yell at me! I hate how I can never be good enough in their eyes. What is considered, 'satisfactory?' All they care about is their stupid frickin money. They're already rich._

_ But they are still greedy for money. Heh. Pathetic. _ _UGH. I WAS LIKE GUNNA EXPLODE AT THAT MOMENT EARLIER TODAY. Like right when I got home. He pisses me off. I can feel my anger bubbling inside me now._  
_Tadagay gave this gay lame-o lecture about my attitude and whatever crap. Like hell do I care. _

_Anyways, I'm not in the mood to write about all that unimportant stuff, so I'll just skip to the main point of this entry._  
_He told me 'bout this stupid offer. It makes me angry! Who does he think I am? His puppet? Barbie doll? 'Cuz guess what? Apparently, he does think I'm his doll. You know why? _

_HE WANTS ME TO GET ENGAGED TO SOME STUPID GUY I DON'T EVEN KNOW!_

_Tadagay's all like, "I'll give you time to think. But give me a reply soon. You should know what your mother and I will expect. Understood?" Even his voice sounds gay._

_I'll just wait until the last minute, then tell them NO._  
_HA-HA._

_So in your face stupid old farts. __I don't care about some stupid engagement. _

_Whatever. I'll just accept and by the time it's the wedding, at the I DO part, I'll just openly refuse and embarrass them in front of whoever is going to the wedding._

_Hmm. Or maybe not. _

_I'll plan something. _

_I'm going to read some books. G'night._

_-Amu _

**And again, I apologize for not updating! It's been soo long! And to anyone who reads GMTH: I won't be updating that for a while. I lost inspiration and so now I'm reading mangas and fanfictions to get my inspiration back. But it's not helping cuz I'll be moving after I finish this grade. Which is just great. Great. Great. Great! (note my sarcasm)**  
**Haha. Well, that's that.**  
**Please review?**  
**  
**


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